Parent Coaching Changed Everything
My first step in becoming a parent coach was learning how to be a peaceful parent.
What I learned reshaped my life
Parent coaching changed my life.
The 8-week course I took wasn’t even called parent coaching. It was called “Raising Resilience.” It was during the COVID-19 lockdown and school-from-home time in Portland, Oregon. Life was TOUGH! But I had committed to prioritizing our mental health above all.
I thought that course would help my child with “big behaviors.”
It did, but not like I’d expected.
I had been on a path of healing and understanding for over a decade already. I’d been through many tough things. I’d spent most of my adult life gathering tools to help me cope, heal, and find peace. These tools help me stay sane and balanced (when I use them daily).
But my toolbox didn’t have what I needed to be a peaceful parent.
When I read “Parenting from the Inside Out,” by Daniel Siegel, it clicked. Huge ahas! It was an introduction to reparenting and why I might need to do it.
In the two-month course, we learned that behaviors mirror a child’s emotional tide.
We learned tons more about emotional regulation/nervous system regulation, which is basically where you are on the “losing your shiz” ladder with 0 being totally peaceful and relaxed and 10 being “effing meltdown or shutdown.”
We also learned about brain development, which happens until your mid-20s. Since children, even teens, don’t have fully developed brains, they often regress to a younger emotional age.
They don’t have what it takes to handle things “like an adult.”
They cannot regulate their nervous systems like older people (might).
We learned that in every instance, SOMEONE HAS TO BE THE ADULT IN THE ROOM.
Someone older than 25.
Someone with enough tools and maturity to handle emotions in healthy ways.
Guess who the adult in the room was?
Yep, it was me … joining the temper tantrum, raising my voice, having adult expectations for my 9-year-old child.
What changed me most was a term called co-regulation. When a child cannot regulate their nervous system, a parent or other adult is needed to help them manage emotions in that moment. It’s like gifting your child some emotional stability and support.
Oh, shiz.
Not only does someone need to be the adult in the room, but ideally that person will a) be able to manage their own emotions, and b) be able to lend emotional stability.
Between adults, we often call this “holding space.”
How this looks is different for every child and varies from situation to situation.
I learned to do this for my child.
Not by telling (being quiet is often best in those moments), but by modeling what to do. Showing, not telling.
Holding my shiz together.
Being the adult in the room.
Understanding that my child DOESN’T have the tools or the brain development to “just stop” or “listen” or sometimes get off the floor.
Parent coaching – or raising my resilience – changed me and my relationship with my child. Forever. Because I act differently. I AM the adult in the room. (I also started timed temper tantrums that we both did! But that’s a story for another day.)
It changed how I respond – or don’t! – to situations and people.
Also, I began to see the people around me differently … like children without the proper tools or ability to regulate their nervous systems and emotions.
The screaming boss.
The “leader” threatening others in emails.
The shoppers physically fighting over the last shopping basket.
The road rage driver who pulls a gun over a traffic incident.
All 5-year-olds without the tools needed to manage big emotions.
I took a certified life coaching course a few years ago because I wanted to help people have happier, healthier lives. But I needed more.
In August, I started the first of two courses to become a certified parenting coach as well.
I believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have. But most of us need more tools, more understanding, and more unconditional love (especially for ourselves!!!)
I intend to help people get the tools, understanding, and love they deserve.
Some will be parents.
Some will be reparenting themselves.
Some will want to be better leaders. (It turns out that leadership books say emotional intelligence is THE THING that sets great leaders apart. More on that later as well.)
Sharing insights and tools with people – parents, children, and everyone who wants to have a happier, healthier life – is my heart’s desire, my passion work.
It’s with the greatest joy that I share this first step.